Ah, yes, divorce......., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet,"
--- Robin Williams
complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time
of the month that I can be myself,"
need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place,"
can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that
says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"
have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines.
They don't know if we can fight or if we can kill. I think we can. All
the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the
enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.'"
you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten."
of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just
give her a house."
problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job.
But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end
of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough
blood to run one at a time."
a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's
life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering
if there is a man on base."
do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?"
are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one.
If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you
two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave
you, they should have to find you a temp."
mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake
and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach
you how to swim.'"
study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills
than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study:---- Duh."
does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish
burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner."
day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a
riding vacuum cleaner."
think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said,
'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough.
Let's go west.'"
life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be
I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's
elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single
file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people
is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet."
you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress...But I
bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they
can find Kuwait."